When I look in the mirror…

Finish this sentence: Every time I look in the mirror I see…

I see all things rolled into one.

To best explain, I’m going to steal from one of my favorite Alanis Morissette songs:

I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint, I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell, I’m your dream, I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

I’m a bitch, I’m a tease, I’m a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer, I’m your angel undercover
I’ve been numbed, I’m revived, can’t say I’m not alive
You know, I wouldn’t want it any other way

Take me as I am or be on your merry way.

Happy Birthday my Prince!

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My Dear Luka

I can’t believe that you are 11 today.  The time has gone by so quickly and it seems almost unreal.   God willing, I will have 8 more years with you under my roof – that’s just not enough time.

1 November 2001 I went to the doctor to get some medicine for my “flu”, only to be told it would take nine months to get rid of the flu.  I remember the first day I saw your heart beat on that sonar screen.  I remember the tiny flutter movements as you first started to move.  It feels like yesterday that I could feel you kick the living daylights out of my lungs, trying to make space for your busy, busy legs.

I remember being so afraid when they first brought you to me, I didn’t think I would ever know how to be a mom for you.  I can still feel your tiny toes curl around my upper lip as I kissed the soles of your feet, the heel barely touching the bottom of my chin.  I remember you sleeping, drooling milky spit all over me and I couldn’t care less.

I remember you running on wobbly legs to meet me after work, throwing your arms around my neck. I remember when you first said, I love you mommy.  I remember when you first fell and hurt yourself so bad you were bleeding – I cried more than you!  I remember your first day at crèche and your first day at school.  I remember the first time you had a crush on a girl and I thought “Just let that little lady break your heart!  I’ll show her a thing or two!”  I remember the first time you went away for a weekend.

Now you pull away when I want to hold your hand as we cross the road.  Instead you bravely put out your arm to shield me from traffic.  What happened to the time?

My angel, I know you are growing up (way too fast).  I know you are wise way beyond your years and your sensitive soul reaches out to all of those you meet.  I wish I could protect you and always hold you close.  I wish I could shield you from everything that is bad in this world.  But I can’t.

You will grow up to be a fantastic man.  You will grow up and have your own experiences, good and bad.  You will find someone who you will love with all your heart.  One day, you will have your own children to look at and love.

Whatever the future holds for you, just know one thing:

I love you more than I could ever explain and I will always be there, no matter what happens.  I thank God for you every single day.

Happy birthday, my angel.  May the year ahead be filled with all that is good and may your days bring nothing but joy.

I love you forever.