Do you feed the dragon?

Why do people do this!? I fail to understand how one human being can claim to love someone just to turn around and play these emotional power / mind games. To do what? What is to gain by it? Is it about a sense of control when you KNOW with every fiber of your being that you are loosing that control?

Today a friend told me about her boyfriend / ex-boyfriend who tried to commit suicide last night. This poor woman was devastated. He has threatened a couple times before and made a number of half-baked attempts in the past, but yesterday it escalated drastically. Long story short, he chased away paramedics and police and they went on their merry way.

She got home this afternoon to find him convulsing on her bed, foaming at the mouth, blood everywhere, an empty box of tablets next to the bed. Turns out he planned his next attempt exactly in time for her to get to him just before it is too late. How selfish yet desperate?

I’ve always said that committing suicide is both the most cowardly thing and most courageous thing to do at the same time. Cowardly because of all the people and questions you leave behind. Courageous because it takes some serious you-know-what to actually do it. Would I have the guts to take my own life? Definite no. Contemplated it once, but God obviously had bigger plans for me and I chickened out at the very last fraction of a second. I can still feel the rush of wind as I stepped out of the way of the 18-wheeler on the freeway.

Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW situations can get pretty desperate. I KNOW sometimes it could feel like there is no other way out. I KNOW that we get tired of trying to figure things out and giving up, totally giving up, might seem like the only option. I know all of this, yet I don’t see how anyone could think that an attempted suicide could prove that you are in fact a stable person and your partner should take you back!

Lying here (staying over at her place), I can hear her stifling the sobs and my heart goes out to her. Once upon a time he was the man of her dreams. Once upon a time they were happy and in love. How can things go so very wrong?

Inevitably, my thoughts go back to what I have learned in the past couple of years and especially this year. It’s about spirit, soul and body. It’s about stepping into Agape love. I have been on a search for “more” for a long time, and am only now starting to find it and comprehend it.

We are spirit beings, created in the image and likeness of God. We have a soul (mind, will and emotions) and live in a body.

Our spirit-man is constantly searching, reaching out for Agape love, for fellowship with our Creator. We were after all created to worship Him, to love Him, to live in His perfect will for our lives. At the same time, our mind, will and emotion is shaped by everyday life and our experiences.

Until we get to a place where we recognize the yearning in our spirit for it is, we try to fill the gap (plus the anguish of broken homes, broken hearts and whatever else) with things and people in the natural. We have one failed relationship after the other, we drink, do drugs, sleep around – anything to try and fill the gap. And for a brief moment all is well. But then, it returns, the monster is bigger and stronger than before and we go again, looking for the next high, the next brief moment of exhilaration when we KNOW “I have arrived”! The circle starts again. You know what I’m talking about right?

I was there too. Only once I opened my eyes and realized that God has been there all along – carrying me, guiding me, protecting me – only once I was willing to surrender myself and allow Him to show me who I am in Christ, did things turn around.

Friends, no amount of therapy or medication or hypnosis or self-help books can do as much as the Creator of all. He knows you inside out, He has plans for your prosperity, joy (not happiness, nut unspeakable joy) and success.

It all boils down to one of two things:

Either we feed the snake, which will become bigger and stronger and faster the more we feed him.

Or we step into Agape love and allow ourselves to be transformed, renewed, healed and His love in us becomes bigger, stronger and faster.

I invite you to surrender and let Him fill the gap. Allow Him to pick up the broken scattered pieces, and put them together the way He knows best. It truly is the only way.

Love you all

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I’m back, again!

Ok, I’m back, again (hopefully to STAY this time around!). What can I say: life happens! We get busy, hours become days and weeks and before you know it, it’s been months and then you wipe out your eyes and there are only 60 (yes SIXTY!!!) days left of what has been a roller-coaster year or note.

This year has seen me changing jobs, doing the first year of the Ministry degree I mentioned early (way early) in the year, breaking up, making up and then really breaking up, falling HARD on many different levels: for someone (?), out of cars and over scales – all of the above while stone-cold sober, I must add!

I have had the low lows of exam stress and deadlines for assignments and a new boss, but I have also had the very high highs of excellent marks, finding the real me (who God created me to be) and having a swarm of butterflies erupt when a certain someone looks at you.

I’ve left some friends behind, made some new ones, let go of some old habits and learned A LOT about myself. I am, for instance, a very high D-style / Blue personality type with zero yellow in me. No, literally, no yellow! I’ve taken the test 3 times just to make sure. Add to that the fact that I have no charisma and it is no wonder my poor mother and son who lives with me call me boring and predictable. Oi vey!

My social calendar went from pretty much Zero last year to 1 day a week free (if I’m lucky) in the recent months. I finally managed to get to Newlands Rugby Stadium for the Currie Cup playoffs, I went to my first ever masked ball and took part in some pretty interesting outreaches.

All in all, it’s been an interesting, yet exhausting year. I, for one, am glad that there is only 3 classes left for the year and am thoroughly looking forward to having some me time in December.

For months now, its been nagging at the back of my mind that I need to get writing again. Unfortunately, however, there has just been no time. Until tonight that is!

So friends, followers and foes, I solemnly promise to (try at least) write a post for every day that’s left of this year. That’s sixty posts of which this is the first.

As you can see from the above, it might be a bit difficult, but I’m confident that, seeing that you have been coming back here to look for new posts, I can convince you to come back again.

To God be the glory for bringing me through this year, sanity intact. Love you friends, can’t wait to start catching up with you all again!
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