Why do people do this!? I fail to understand how one human being can claim to love someone just to turn around and play these emotional power / mind games. To do what? What is to gain by it? Is it about a sense of control when you KNOW with every fiber of your being that you are loosing that control?
Today a friend told me about her boyfriend / ex-boyfriend who tried to commit suicide last night. This poor woman was devastated. He has threatened a couple times before and made a number of half-baked attempts in the past, but yesterday it escalated drastically. Long story short, he chased away paramedics and police and they went on their merry way.
She got home this afternoon to find him convulsing on her bed, foaming at the mouth, blood everywhere, an empty box of tablets next to the bed. Turns out he planned his next attempt exactly in time for her to get to him just before it is too late. How selfish yet desperate?
I’ve always said that committing suicide is both the most cowardly thing and most courageous thing to do at the same time. Cowardly because of all the people and questions you leave behind. Courageous because it takes some serious you-know-what to actually do it. Would I have the guts to take my own life? Definite no. Contemplated it once, but God obviously had bigger plans for me and I chickened out at the very last fraction of a second. I can still feel the rush of wind as I stepped out of the way of the 18-wheeler on the freeway.
Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW situations can get pretty desperate. I KNOW sometimes it could feel like there is no other way out. I KNOW that we get tired of trying to figure things out and giving up, totally giving up, might seem like the only option. I know all of this, yet I don’t see how anyone could think that an attempted suicide could prove that you are in fact a stable person and your partner should take you back!
Lying here (staying over at her place), I can hear her stifling the sobs and my heart goes out to her. Once upon a time he was the man of her dreams. Once upon a time they were happy and in love. How can things go so very wrong?
Inevitably, my thoughts go back to what I have learned in the past couple of years and especially this year. It’s about spirit, soul and body. It’s about stepping into Agape love. I have been on a search for “more” for a long time, and am only now starting to find it and comprehend it.
We are spirit beings, created in the image and likeness of God. We have a soul (mind, will and emotions) and live in a body.
Our spirit-man is constantly searching, reaching out for Agape love, for fellowship with our Creator. We were after all created to worship Him, to love Him, to live in His perfect will for our lives. At the same time, our mind, will and emotion is shaped by everyday life and our experiences.
Until we get to a place where we recognize the yearning in our spirit for it is, we try to fill the gap (plus the anguish of broken homes, broken hearts and whatever else) with things and people in the natural. We have one failed relationship after the other, we drink, do drugs, sleep around – anything to try and fill the gap. And for a brief moment all is well. But then, it returns, the monster is bigger and stronger than before and we go again, looking for the next high, the next brief moment of exhilaration when we KNOW “I have arrived”! The circle starts again. You know what I’m talking about right?
I was there too. Only once I opened my eyes and realized that God has been there all along – carrying me, guiding me, protecting me – only once I was willing to surrender myself and allow Him to show me who I am in Christ, did things turn around.
Friends, no amount of therapy or medication or hypnosis or self-help books can do as much as the Creator of all. He knows you inside out, He has plans for your prosperity, joy (not happiness, nut unspeakable joy) and success.
It all boils down to one of two things:
Either we feed the snake, which will become bigger and stronger and faster the more we feed him.
Or we step into Agape love and allow ourselves to be transformed, renewed, healed and His love in us becomes bigger, stronger and faster.
I invite you to surrender and let Him fill the gap. Allow Him to pick up the broken scattered pieces, and put them together the way He knows best. It truly is the only way.
Love you all
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