A friend asked me yesterday: “Why do you do this? Why do you diet and workout?”. Initially I thought I had the answer. You know, I have to look after my body, tra-la-la… However, as I the question kept milling in my head in the past 24 hours, I’ve come to realize that I don’t know why I do it. Unfortunately, as things go with us girls, one box being connected to 2 million other boxes and all of that, the realization also brought along a lot of questions. Questions that I don’t have the answers to. The ever elusive answers that leaves me sitting here in the dark having a good and solid pity party.
Why do I do this? Why do I exercise daily and eat right and color my hair and do my nails and make up and watch what I wear? Up to 24 hours ago I used to joke and say that I do it simply because no-one is going to fall in love with my little Miss Sunshine personality. What I realize now is that I’ve been shooting myself in the foot all along.
You see, it’s a bit of a conundrum that I’m faced with. I stand at that fork in the road, the one you see in movies where one leads to doom and gloom and the other to sunshine and butterflies, albeit temporary. Let me explain.
Taking the fork to the right is the Not So “Little Ms Sunshine” I told you about earlier – I’m straight forward and shoot from the hip, I say it as it is with a no nonsense attitude. In my world a spade is not a pitchfork, no sir, I don’t care how you look at it. I’m intelligent and assertive. I know what I want and what I will not tolerate. All of these aspects of “being me”, makes me somewhat of a challenge.
I’ve heard more than once that my strong personality is too intimidating and men just tend to walk circles around me. Big – and I’m talking the rings around Saturnus big – circles.
Taking the fork to the left has got more to do with the flip side of the coin – men, my friends, are visual creatures. There is no denying that. Just like a pretty flower attracts the bee, so men are drawn in by what they see. Unfortunately, this road also means that you need to act brainless, never speak your mind and just giggle at everything he says.
Now, let me pause there for a second, before I have a lot of very angry ladies on my back. I’m not saying that if you are pretty and look after yourself and and and, that you all act like a 22 year old blond bimbo with nothing but 2 pennies between the ears. Not at all. All I’m saying is that the kind of man who can appreciate a girl with good looks who also have a brain are very few and far between.
So what am I to do? Where does that leave me?
I could continue to be just me and spend the rest of my earthly life alone – a thought which in itself brings an endless supply of tears, or I could force myself to forget I have a brain and a mouth which can work together to bring forth intelligent conversation, just to have someone be with me.
Neither of these options work for me and that my dear is the conundrum.
The conundrum is this. I want to love someone. I want to be loved. I want to feel like I matter. I want to go to bed and not see it as an enemy, a big dark hole ready to swallow me in its thoughts of rejection and hurt and pain. These days the only place I can find some sleep is on the couch, I simply can not bear the thought of going to bed alone night after night. I want to fall asleep in someone’s arms and wake up to his breath on my cheek. I just want to be loved, I’m sure it’s not too much to ask.
Simply giving up the honey for the sake of a short lived passionate fling will still leave me going to bed alone. So what is a girl to do? Taking the fork to the right inevitably leads to a lifetime of lonely nights and weekends you hate. Taking the fork to the left leads to temporary moments of bliss and when all is said and done, you end up going home alone in any event. Nice hey?
My mom and I had a conversation not to long ago about relationships and we came to realize that between the two of us we know 5 couples who are desperately unhappy. Couples who just go through the motions of being together for whatever reason. That is 10 people who could be a soulmate to someone else. Ten people who could make ten other people out there happy. So instead of having five unhappy couples we could potentially have ten happy couples. Now I know that some people haven’t seen the light yet and it will take a lot to make them happy or before they will be able to make anyone else happy, but the thought of it is enough. I also know full well that it is not that simple and you can’t just walk out on a relationship you have invested your time and effort in for a couple of years.
I wish I could just walk up to those people and shake them until they come to realize what they have, until they can appreciate the privilege that they have to be with someone who they can love with all their heart. I wish I could make them see what the rest of us live like, going from day to day hoping and praying that today will be the day when that special someone will notice you and want to be with you. I wish I could open their eyes and hearts to the person right there with them.
Now here is the bit that I really am expecting a lot of flack for, so bring it on. I know I am supposed to find that love in God. I know I am supposed to trust in God for the right husband at the right time. I know all these things. But what do I do with the physical need for a hug after a long day, someone that will take you in his arms and tell you everything will be ok. What do I do with the longing for someone to share a joke with or watch a movie with or just do the things I love? While I wait on God, what do I do?
In the meantime, wake me up after Valentines Day. In the meantime, I wish I could stop the endless flood of tears and fill up the gaping whole in my chest that yearns to hear those three magical words spoken to me.
“I love you”
Image Sent from my iPhone