20/20 Vision

So, you want to know about the year that was and is (and, which I suspect, is not yet done by a long shot)?

At the beginning of the year I saw this quote:

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I was excited at the prospect: 2015 was going to be my year. Had I known then what I know now… but (and yes, there always is a “but”), hindsight as they say has 20/20 vision right?

Coming to think of it, Valentine’s Day was, in itself part of the whirlwind that is / was 2015.  And thinking some more, I will be ending the year in exactly the same place I was on Valentine’s Day. Co-incidence? Coming full circle? Another twisted game of my old foe Fate?

Valentine’s Day came and went in spectacular fashion – even got proposed to!  It was all in the name of fun since at the time I didn’t even know the guy and we had a good laugh about it afterwards (still do actually).  After that I proceeded to:

  • fall in love
  • ruin it complete by overthinking and contemplating and well quite simply, being just scared
  • give useless second chances
  • be completely devastated
  • fall in love again – really really really hard this time
  • discover heights of emotion that I’ve never known possible – yes the kind you see in romcom’s that make you think “that can’t possibly be real” (believe me – it is real)
  • get a serious wake-up call
  • realize that when something is “too good to be true” it seriously is just that and you should back away (not slowly – turn and run and make sure you do it fast!)
  • have my heart broken in a way that hurt in so many ways I cannot possibly begin to explain the pain (think back at those romcom’s where the girl is left in a little heap on the bathroom floor with a pain so real that you cannot even breath – believe me, that too is very real)
  • … (watch this space as the last 3 weeks of the year are lying bare before us and who knows what lessons remain to be learned plus there are still some unfinished business which looms on the horizon)

All said, as we have before us the dying moments of 2015, I’m happy to say that I’ve moved on. The pain is no longer that real. The tears still fall from time to time and the memories remain, they always will and so will the lessons learned. But (and there it is again) I’ve learned more than I ever thought I could or would need to.

I mentioned the other day that I’ve become a sceptic this year.  A good friend told me: “Instead of being a sceptic, rather just be aware”…

On second thought (or third or fourth or 289th), had I known at the start of the year what I know now… all in all… at the very least I’ve learned a lot about myself, I’ve learned some tough lessons, I’ve learned some more about people and the games they play (and boy can they play!), I’ve learned that when something scares you because it is different it might not be wrong for you, I’ve learned that when something feels right, because on some level it is exactly what you have always known, it most probably is not right for you (hence the fact that it did not work out the previous times you dumba$$)…

2015 was (is?) Game Time indeed. Is it over, have I learned there is all to learn (for this year at least) or is there a lesson or two that remains to be learned?

Question is: would I have done it any different had I known then what I know now. Weighing up the heartache and lessons learned; the yearning that remains and the depths of emotion I’ve come to know in myself… I suppose it is too much to ask for life to come with a handbook that says: “this is what you need to know, this is what you are capable of, this is what you need to be careful of, this where you need to pause and this is where you need to go”

Hindsight might have 20/20 vision, but without the experiences I would not have been a richer person. I would not have known what I am capable off. I would not have learned to be more aware, to open my eyes and ears and pay attention. I would not have known the feelings that were buried so deep within my soul – feelings I never knew existed, and feelings which are now patiently waiting to once again come forth.

2015 might not be done with me yet, but if nothing else, I fully intend to make the rest of this year so good that it at least brings some form of equilibrium to the rollercoaster I’ve been on.