There are not many things I fear, only one actually: water.
This fear of mine is completely irrational and unfounded. I’ve never had a near drowning experience and I can swim (good enough). Never has there ever been anything to fuel this fear, but it is there – this big black monster that is always just lurking beneath the surface ready to pounce. Seeing someone in trouble in the water ON TV is enough to make me go cold from my feet up and my chest constrict as if this monster is sitting on me squeezing the very life out of me. So stupid. That goes for any water: swimming pool, river, lake and (worst of all) the ocean – there are things that could eat you alive!!!
Luke on the other hand is a completely different story. That boy is fearless in the water and I often sit on the beach with bated breath as he goes deeper and deeper into the ocean, just ready to swallow him up. Naturally, my fear is a huge frustration to him and he, more often than not, ends up sulking because I won’t go swimming with him.
I like to be in control of my emotions and what I do or do not do. I am sure you can imagine how powerless and freaked out it makes me feel. Here is this thing that I don’t know where it comes from and have no idea how to get rid of. Sooner or later it is something that I will have to face and overcome, that much I know. The when and how, however, is something which I am comfortable on procrastinating about, for now.
While thinking about this post, a random question popped into my mind: What would a world be like where we are able to fearlessly love. Love with the abandon of a child. Love with no concept of “This is good, but for how long…” Most relationships, in my view, end (or even fail to start) because of fear. Fear of loss, fear of rejection, fear of being hurt.
I don’t understand the concept of just partially loving someone. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. That, I am afraid, has been my downfall all along. That much I know, now I just have to figure out how to change that. How to love, just a little bit enough that the other person knows it, yet not so much that it would hurt if you lost it. Does that even make sense: loving cautiously. Is love not supposed to be a reckless abandon of all fear and self and letting go and giving your all? Is it really wrong to fall in love and love that someone will all the abandon and passion and care that you have? I don’t understand how you can “almost” love someone. Surely you either do or you don’t. I read this quote a while back and it make so much sense to me.
Is it really that we are all so afraid of being hurt or rejected or pushed away or toyed with that we just rather walk away?
How different would it be if all that fear could just disappear and we all could love the way it was meant to be done.