He’s just not that into you, or maybe he is! Wait, maybe you’ve got it all wrong.. Or Not

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Isn’t it funny how, when you have something on your mind, the universe seems to conspire in such a way that the same “something” pops up wherever you look?  For instance, a couple of years ago, I was desperately wanting to fall pregnant again, (in retrospect, thankfully) it never happened – and NO I am not wanting to fall pregnant now either!  During that time, all I could see wherever I looked was pregnant women, mothers swaddling newborns and the biggest possible variety of baby clothes and nappies.  I mean seriously, it was all over.  Turn on the TV, the radio, open a magazine – everywhere.  Or maybe it is a matter of when we have something on our mind that really matters to us, we get so focussed on it that everything else is grayed out and only things pertaining to that little something stands out?

Having a quiet, alone, me-time weekend, a couple of things kept popping up and only when I found myself laughing to something one of the kids said outside, did the light go on in my head: they all run more or less along the same line of thinking.  So, it seems I have, on a certain subconscious level, something on my mind…

On Friday night, we watched a show and the main character, thoroughly frustrated because a certain girl won’t fall for his charm, had a light-bulb moment when he realized “the one sure way to lose interest it to sleep with her”.  If that is the rule, then the exception would be to play hard to get.  So here goes “the game” again.  Uuuurggghhhh!!!!!   You play hard to get, but not too hard otherwise you are a cold-hearted witch who will die alone with 70 cats and a broomstick.  You need to learn to play just hard enough for him to want to keep chasing you.  Then, just remember, you can’t play hard to get forever and inevitably you will have to let him catch up and finally “get you”.  Conundrum:  does that then not take us back to the start, the beginning of the end so to speak?  The chase is over and he got his kill and now will start losing interest and begin his search for the next one to fall prey.  If, like me, you hate all these stupid games people play and the rules they attach to “how to have your happy ending in 10 easy steps (with pictures)”, this will not appeal to you.  I am me – just plain simple me.

Why can’t we just go back to an era of cavemen?  At least then it was real and everyone knew exactly where they stood.  Why do we complicate it?  Why can’t it just be real like, “hey, I like you but not in the way that I want to marry you and have babies and live happily ever after, so be prepared that I might dump you next week when someone else comes along”.  Or “hey, I like you and I want more than what I have had up to this point of my life.”  Straight forward, just saying it as it is.

Everyone who knows me knows that all I want is love.  That’s it.  No games, no secrets, no hidden agendas.  Just sharing a life with someone, making memories and living together knowing that 15 or 30 years from now, you will still remember how you first met.  When I first got married, I lived under the illusion for a long time that “this was it”.  Apparently it was only so for me…  Every tear and every heartbreak, every failed relationship takes us a step further away from that vision and it becomes more and more difficult to believe that it really is possible.  Do I still carry dreams inside of me of a happy ever after?  Of course I do!  I will never stop believing that it is possible.  Does that mean that I necessary want to get married again?  It’s not a deal breaker for me.  It’s sort of a “if it happens it happens” scenario.  After all, I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me that I am happy and that I have someone who loves and respects me.  In saying that, I must add that I am still a girl and the idea of a sparkly something showing the world that I “belong to someone” is not an altogether bad idea at all, haha.

While doing the chores yesterday, my attention was drawn to the kids playing outside.   They were playing “I’m going to marry you”.  It entails the boys running for their lives and the girls chasing after them.  Aim of the game, tag the one you want to marry and he then has to go do whatever you tell him to do.  Go figure, here we have a small group of pre-schoolers and already the boys are trying to make a duck for it.  The one girl had her eyes set on one boy in particular, while one of the other boys was running exceptionally slow in the hope that she would tag him.  She kept running past him calling out “Dronkie, Dronkie” (Dronk translates to Drunk, while adding the “ie” gives it a term of endearment – something in the line of “my dear little drunkard”) while trying to catch up with the one she had her eye on.  So here is this little girl, running after the “drunk guy”, while the “good guy” is trying his utmost to get her attention.  Oi vey, someone help her please!  Eventually the “good guy” got tired of vying for her attention and asked her, why do you keep chasing “dronkie” when I am right here?  Her reply, and this had me in stitches (and makes me wonder what goes on between mom and dad in her house) “well my mommy says a dronkie always tells the truth”.  Poor girl: so young and already making the wrong choices.  This once again reminded of a couple of not so clever choices I made last year and things I messed up.  Over the past couple of weeks I have spent a lot of time wondering how things would have been different, had I not been such a complete and utter dumbass…

This afternoon, a good glass of red and a movie sounded like a good idea.  Not really sure what I was in the mood for, I sort of went with point-and-click method and “He’s just not that into you” was the lucky winner.    Boy, was that interesting?!

How do you know when someone is really into you or not?  How do you know if you can really trust someone?  How do you know how far to let yourself fall, or if the other person has even fallen as far as you have or ever plan to?  It is the two opposing forces fighting it out inside of you:  fighting the battle of allowing yourself to fall and believe and hope and dream and feel vs wanting to protect yourself from getting hurt.

I suppose asking someone whether you can trust them to not rip your heart to pieces is as pointless as asking a homeless guy if he wants a hot shower and a soft bed.  Inevitably the answer will always be yes.  I mean, honestly, no one is really going to come out and say “Hell no!  I’m just toying with you until something better comes along”.  In the same breath, someone telling you that they will love you for the rest of your life is as pointless as a teenager who gets their driver license and promises that they will not speed.  Or someone promising that they will never cheat on you is as pointless as a 3-year-old promising not eat the chocolate brownie that is left on the kitchen counter.

I suppose there are no guarantees right?  Nothing is forever and no-one stays the same.  Giving your heart to someone is a risky job that takes some serious balls and the courage of a lion, but if you don’t do it, you will never know.  All we can do is give the best of ourselves while trying to interpret the signs, hoping that you are getting it right.

The movie ended with the following, which sums it up beautifully:

“Girls are told a told a lot of stuff growing up:  if a boy punches you, he loves you; never try to trim your own bangs; and someday you will find a wonderful guy and have your very own happy ending.  Every movie we see, every story we are told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.  But sometimes, we are so focussed on finding our happy ending, we don’t learn how to read the signs: how to tell the ones that want us from the ones that don’t, the ones that will stay from the ones that will leave.  Maybe this happy ending does not include a wonderful guy.  Maybe it’s… you.  On your own, picking up the pieces and starting over.  Freeing yourself up for something better in the future.  Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.  Or maybe the happy ending is this:  through all the unreturned phone calls and broken hearts, through all the blunders and misread signals, through all of the pain and embarrassment, you never ever gave up hope.”

The itch is back…

I have had a lot of “Oooo, I wish I was more like that” moments lately.  I have been looking at people who can walk into a room and dazzle the crowd with a smile and a quirky remark and stood there envying them.  I saw people take to a new skill with such ease, they might as well have been doing it for years, while I slowly crawl along looking decidedly stupid, promising myself that I will get there sooner or later.

That, combined with the itch that has returned (bigger, bolder and stronger this time) plus some added uncertainty (which I absolutely, vehemently and passionately HATE) has left me feeling slightly frustrated and (yes, I am a girl so I am allowed to feel this way) sulky today.  Just to make sure that you don’t draw a conclusion based on an incorrect assumption: no, it is not PMS.

Then I saw this quote

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Seeing this made me realize that I have been so focussed on what I am not that the part of me that are valuable to offer had been pushed into a dark little corner.  I have personally been dimming the vibrant light of my own little star just because I have been focussing on what I am not.

Yes, I know I think too much, and yes, I know that I should just chillax (as Luke would put it) but it is so freaking difficult!

I should actually not at all be surprised about feeling this way.  I hate uncertainty.  Don’t misread this.  I don’t dislike it.  I don’t have a slight disinterest in it.

I HATE UNCERTAINTY.

I want to know where I am, where I am going, how I’m going to get there, who will be on the bus with me.  I want direction.  I want to be able to pinpoint certain points of reference to keep me anchored.  I want Black or White.  Unfortunately, at this stage of my life there are just so many loose ends that I want to tie up, so many questions I want to ask and so many dots I want to connect, that I don’t quite know where to start.

I suppose, at this point it is more a matter of impatience that is leaving me feel this way and it is frustrating me to no extend.  The worst part is that I am probably the only one in each of the respective situations, which currently makes up the zoo that is my life, which feels this way.  Should I move, should I stay, should I ask, should I shut up and watch, should I dig a bit deeper or leave it all on the surface.

I really am my own worst enemy!

Heck, even training is frustrating me at moment.  I took up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu recently and it is a load of fun, but while the others flow across the floor in a gracious Komodo Dragon I lag behind looking like a very disabled and totally disoriented gecko.  Add to that the fact that I can’t go run every day because of the stupid wind and impatience sets in again because I don’t see the results that I had hoped to see by now.

Of one thing I am certain: there is not much that I am certain of at the moment and I predict a couple of big changes might be on the horizon in the near future, so watch this space.

Until then, I will try my hand and not thinking about who and what I am not, and instead just let me come out to play and there is a lot of playing to be done J