The itch is back…

I have had a lot of “Oooo, I wish I was more like that” moments lately.  I have been looking at people who can walk into a room and dazzle the crowd with a smile and a quirky remark and stood there envying them.  I saw people take to a new skill with such ease, they might as well have been doing it for years, while I slowly crawl along looking decidedly stupid, promising myself that I will get there sooner or later.

That, combined with the itch that has returned (bigger, bolder and stronger this time) plus some added uncertainty (which I absolutely, vehemently and passionately HATE) has left me feeling slightly frustrated and (yes, I am a girl so I am allowed to feel this way) sulky today.  Just to make sure that you don’t draw a conclusion based on an incorrect assumption: no, it is not PMS.

Then I saw this quote

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Seeing this made me realize that I have been so focussed on what I am not that the part of me that are valuable to offer had been pushed into a dark little corner.  I have personally been dimming the vibrant light of my own little star just because I have been focussing on what I am not.

Yes, I know I think too much, and yes, I know that I should just chillax (as Luke would put it) but it is so freaking difficult!

I should actually not at all be surprised about feeling this way.  I hate uncertainty.  Don’t misread this.  I don’t dislike it.  I don’t have a slight disinterest in it.

I HATE UNCERTAINTY.

I want to know where I am, where I am going, how I’m going to get there, who will be on the bus with me.  I want direction.  I want to be able to pinpoint certain points of reference to keep me anchored.  I want Black or White.  Unfortunately, at this stage of my life there are just so many loose ends that I want to tie up, so many questions I want to ask and so many dots I want to connect, that I don’t quite know where to start.

I suppose, at this point it is more a matter of impatience that is leaving me feel this way and it is frustrating me to no extend.  The worst part is that I am probably the only one in each of the respective situations, which currently makes up the zoo that is my life, which feels this way.  Should I move, should I stay, should I ask, should I shut up and watch, should I dig a bit deeper or leave it all on the surface.

I really am my own worst enemy!

Heck, even training is frustrating me at moment.  I took up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu recently and it is a load of fun, but while the others flow across the floor in a gracious Komodo Dragon I lag behind looking like a very disabled and totally disoriented gecko.  Add to that the fact that I can’t go run every day because of the stupid wind and impatience sets in again because I don’t see the results that I had hoped to see by now.

Of one thing I am certain: there is not much that I am certain of at the moment and I predict a couple of big changes might be on the horizon in the near future, so watch this space.

Until then, I will try my hand and not thinking about who and what I am not, and instead just let me come out to play and there is a lot of playing to be done J

Author: nanuschka

I am a free spirit born in the Free State, 20 years to late. I am Ying and Yang. I am the girl next door who prefers daisies and peace rallies, but can just as easily rock at a rally. I love all things Latin and am sure that in my previous life (if that existed) I was Spanish. The dark side of me, however, tells me that I lived in Mother Russia. I am an over thinker par excellence , in constant search of answers to all things that makes us human. What we do and, more importantly, why we do it. I hope you enjoy my rambles and would love to hear from you. If you like it here, please come back, comment and share. If not, let me not waste another second of your time. All I ask is that you respect my space, be constructive and leave negativity at the door. There is enough of that in this world we live in and yes, in my head too sometimes. Not everything here will be liked or agreed with. Some of it will be downright rude, crazy and straight forward. Not everyone will like me and what goes on in my head, but this is my life and my space. Enjoy the ride

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