I have had a lot of “Oooo, I wish I was more like that” moments lately. I have been looking at people who can walk into a room and dazzle the crowd with a smile and a quirky remark and stood there envying them. I saw people take to a new skill with such ease, they might as well have been doing it for years, while I slowly crawl along looking decidedly stupid, promising myself that I will get there sooner or later.
That, combined with the itch that has returned (bigger, bolder and stronger this time) plus some added uncertainty (which I absolutely, vehemently and passionately HATE) has left me feeling slightly frustrated and (yes, I am a girl so I am allowed to feel this way) sulky today. Just to make sure that you don’t draw a conclusion based on an incorrect assumption: no, it is not PMS.
Then I saw this quote
Seeing this made me realize that I have been so focussed on what I am not that the part of me that are valuable to offer had been pushed into a dark little corner. I have personally been dimming the vibrant light of my own little star just because I have been focussing on what I am not.
Yes, I know I think too much, and yes, I know that I should just chillax (as Luke would put it) but it is so freaking difficult!
I should actually not at all be surprised about feeling this way. I hate uncertainty. Don’t misread this. I don’t dislike it. I don’t have a slight disinterest in it.
I HATE UNCERTAINTY.
I want to know where I am, where I am going, how I’m going to get there, who will be on the bus with me. I want direction. I want to be able to pinpoint certain points of reference to keep me anchored. I want Black or White. Unfortunately, at this stage of my life there are just so many loose ends that I want to tie up, so many questions I want to ask and so many dots I want to connect, that I don’t quite know where to start.
I suppose, at this point it is more a matter of impatience that is leaving me feel this way and it is frustrating me to no extend. The worst part is that I am probably the only one in each of the respective situations, which currently makes up the zoo that is my life, which feels this way. Should I move, should I stay, should I ask, should I shut up and watch, should I dig a bit deeper or leave it all on the surface.
I really am my own worst enemy!
Heck, even training is frustrating me at moment. I took up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu recently and it is a load of fun, but while the others flow across the floor in a gracious Komodo Dragon I lag behind looking like a very disabled and totally disoriented gecko. Add to that the fact that I can’t go run every day because of the stupid wind and impatience sets in again because I don’t see the results that I had hoped to see by now.
Of one thing I am certain: there is not much that I am certain of at the moment and I predict a couple of big changes might be on the horizon in the near future, so watch this space.
Until then, I will try my hand and not thinking about who and what I am not, and instead just let me come out to play and there is a lot of playing to be done J