I need me some NZT

Children can sometime say something so insightful and wise beyond their years that it leaves you speechless. My 13-year-old came up with the following yesterday morning:

“OK Mom, I’m good to go.”

“Did you brush your teeth? Do you have all your books?  Have you made your bed?”

“Yes, yes and no. Really Mom, what’s the point of making my bed if I am just going to mess it up again tonight?  It’s fine like that.”

“Well, in that case, what’s the point of me doing the laundry or the dishes or mopping the floor?”

“Uuurgghh, Mom! Then you can also just say what’s the point of living if you’re just going to die?” (theatrically puts an imaginary gun to his head, tongue flopping out and eyes rolled back).  “You would have made a great lawyer or philosopher.  Yes Mom, you should have been a philosopher, always thinking up stuff.  I suppose it’s just easier to shut up and make my bed, hey?”

If only he knew how exhausting it really is…

matrix

I’ve been playing with the idea of gut feeling vs over thinking.

When you decide to apply for a new job, move to a different city, make a business decision, enter into a new relationship or decide to move on what do you base that decision on? For some it’s clear cut and easy – black or white, yes or no and for others it needs to be neatly laid out A to Z.  For some it’s adventurous to go into the unknown without an idea of what the future holds, while others need a sense of security before they can make such a bold move.

So, when you over think by nature, going with your gut can be rather scary. It’s just, well, I think somewhere in the wiring of my brain something has gone wrong and I no longer recognize the difference.  Or maybe I do, it’s just that my gut feeling gets stifled by the hundreds of questions that automatically pops up out of nowhere within seconds.  Why? What if? But also… give me a statement and I can come up with a question.  Or maybe I’m being tormented like this because I have ignored my gut feeling on so many occasions and got myself burned time after time.  When you enter into a relationship and you know it is all wrong for you, because you know where it is heading and you know how it’s going to end – that it is your gut telling you to run honey.  When you override that and get all stupid and googly eyes and start to reason with your gut, telling yourself all the reason why it could work and how those reasons are so much more important that the reasons why it can’t work and you go for it in any event – like a coke addict who just have to have one last line before he quits – that’s just stupid.  Eventually you get to a point where you gut try to speak up, but you start reasoning with it before it even has half a chance and then you’re back to square one in any event, which is sort of where I am now.  I question whether what I’m feeling is my gut telling me one thing or is it the result of my trust being broken so many times and the hurt that’s been caused in the past or is it something that I’m just scared to do because it’s unlike everything I’ve ever known.  Then I start to question whether I’m just on self-destruct mode because right now I don’t have my gut telling me not to do it and because my gut isn’t saying so and I’ve subconsciously trained myself to always ignore my gut and reason it out I am at the verge of once again messing this up and then before you know it you reach the point where you no longer know what is gut and what is irrational reasoning and what is the sanity that needs to prevail.  I need to get away, take some time out.

Is it bad to question everything? Not necessarily.  Do I like my uncanny ability to remember little things and put a puzzle together while others are blissfully unaware and then question it all?  Not necessarily.  It’s not something that I like to do, but it just happens.  Believe me, it is rather frustrating.  Especially when all you want to do is believe in a dream, hoping against hope, when you just want to hold on to that glimmer of something beautiful. Do I feel bad for questioning everything?  No I don’t.  I think I’ve earned the right to want to know where I stand.  I’ve been lied to and cheated on and deceived and conned way too many times so, with me, questions sort of comes with the territory.  Will everyone like it?  Heck no, that much I know.   I just wish there was an easier way to do it all.

As I’ve said before, I think being a Bimbo could be much easier… Perhaps I should try that, unless you can get me some NZT.  I need to get me some NZT!

NZT?  Anyone?  Nah, didn’t think so

Smack, smack, smack in the head…

Have you ever wondered what it must feel like to be stuck in this position?

I think I might very well just have reached the emotional equivalent (or something similar).

So, as one or my regular readers pointed out, phobias are caused by overthinking as opposed to the phobias creating overthinking. I think it is a matter of which came first, the chicken or the egg, a vicious circle if you must. Whichever one it is, it has been established that I pretty much could write Overthinking for Dummies 101.

The cause and nature of tonight’s specific bout or overthinking, which is as yet to be determined, and the subsequent inability to sleep, has me pretty much fed-up. It is absolutely maddening. It equates more or less to a cartoon I saw on Facebook: “if you think walking a mile in my shoes are bad, try spending an hour in my head.” Yip, that’s it: frighteningly maddening. I am pretty sure that, for those who don’t know me, my posts of late might just come across as the crazed rambles of the nutcase down the road. You know, the one that lurks at you from behind dirty and torn curtains as you walk past their house; the one that children run from and grown ups ignore in broad daylight but whisper about at night. Yea, that’s what I sound like to myself at the moment. And guess what? I am quite positively hating every second of this. OK, that being said, let’s get back to where we started, Suzie Sidetrack.

Close your eyes and call up an image that, to you represents the ideal place to be in (mentally that is). Got it? For me, this place has lush green fields, sun shining down on dewdrops clinging to the blades of grass. Fresh, clear water trickles down the mountainside to be carried away by a river that flows peacefully over rocks that have been there for hundreds or years. Birds softly singing out, welcoming the new day completing the picture as you breath out. That is Nirvana man! That is where I wanna go!

While lying here in bed, trying my utmost to conjure up THAT place, I almost had to laugh when instead the image of me flopping around the inside of a washing machine came to me. Breath in air, swallow water, cough it up, get smacked on the nose with your grandpa’s dirty sock, swallow some water, spit it out, try to get your underwear of your head, get soap in your eye before swallowing some more water… And around and around we go – now you’re up gasping for air, then you’re down there, all sorts of dirty stuff getting shoved in every corner of your mind.

It is amazing how you can be doing normal everyday stuff the one minute and then someone says or does something so insignificant and small in their eyes and in your head everything screeches to a standstill. It only takes a second, but like numbers in the matrix a hundred questions pertaining to that one insignificant thing comes crashing down on you and floods your existence, gluing you to that one spot where you are at. Things carry on, but no matter how hard you try that one little thing keeps smacking you in the middle of your forehead. It’s like that toy car which accident ended up in the wash and with every turn it comes to smack, smack, smack, smack you in the head.

It carries on and on until you either drown or someone yanks open the door allowing you to tumble out, letting the water and dirt run away.

Am I questioning my sanity? No, just a girl anxiously waiting to see if I will drown or find the clarity I seek…