Friends, they all have these amazing little titbits of advice they feel compelled to share. I wish they wouldn’t. I wish everyone would just forget about my existence and stop asking me if I’m OK and telling me that it will be OK.
One friend said something yesterday which has caused me to once again stare down the rabbits’ hole and I can’t get out. “Just find the pattern and make sure you do it differently next time around.” What people don’t seem to realise is that finding the pattern and trying to figure out what I need to do differently has been my sole focus for the longest time. I’ve spent countless hours trying to figure it all out. I am so tired of trying to figure it out. I would give anything for the person who could give me the answer to that.
Another friend said “Just stop looking for love and it will find you, the right guy will come along.” I don’t know how to explain this to anyone. It’s not like I’m 16 and I’m the only girl who don’t have a date for the school dance. I’m almost 40 and awesome and I do everything right, yet I am unlovable.
When you have a burning desire to do something, you decide that you want to do it, you set a goal and you do it. Let’s take Kilimanjaro. Let’s say you have this burning desire to conquer Kilimanjaro. You make the decision to do it and find out everything about it. You research it, you train for it, you plan it and you do it.
I have a burning desire to love. It eats me up for the inside, in consumes everything that I am. It is my one goal. Yet, regardless of how much I try to research it and study, regardless of how I try I fail time after time. I can’t train for it. I can’t make it work. I can’t do anything with it.
I can’t keep putting myself through this. I can’t feel like this again. I cannot survive it.
So I must accept the inevitable. I must bid it farewell.
I must extinguish the fire and replace it with something else. Never again will I open my heart for love. Never again will I allow myself to feel that way. Never again will I allow anyone to get close enough to eventually hurt me. Never again …