Adiós dulce amor , nunca más

goodbye

Friends, they all have these amazing little titbits of advice they feel compelled to share. I wish they wouldn’t.  I wish everyone would just forget about my existence and stop asking me if I’m OK and telling me that it will be OK.

One friend said something yesterday which has caused me to once again stare down the rabbits’ hole and I can’t get out. “Just find the pattern and make sure you do it differently next time around.”  What people don’t seem to realise is that finding the pattern and trying to figure out what I need to do differently has been my sole focus for the longest time.  I’ve spent countless hours trying to figure it all out.  I am so tired of trying to figure it out.  I would give anything for the person who could give me the answer to that.

Another friend said “Just stop looking for love and it will find you, the right guy will come along.” I don’t know how to explain this to anyone.  It’s not like I’m 16 and I’m the only girl who don’t have a date for the school dance.  I’m almost 40 and awesome and I do everything right, yet I am unlovable.

When you have a burning desire to do something, you decide that you want to do it, you set a goal and you do it. Let’s take Kilimanjaro.  Let’s say you have this burning desire to conquer Kilimanjaro.  You make the decision to do it and find out everything about it.  You research it, you train for it, you plan it and you do it.

I have a burning desire to love. It eats me up for the inside, in consumes everything that I am.  It is my one goal.  Yet, regardless of how much I try to research it and study, regardless of how I try I fail time after time.  I can’t train for it.  I can’t make it work.  I can’t do anything with it.

I can’t keep putting myself through this. I can’t feel like this again.  I cannot survive it.

So I must accept the inevitable.  I must bid it farewell.

I must extinguish the fire and replace it with something else. Never again will I open my heart for love.  Never again will I allow myself to feel that way.  Never again will I allow anyone to get close enough to eventually hurt me.  Never again …

adiós dulce amor , nunca más

Author: nanuschka

I am a free spirit born in the Free State, 20 years to late. I am Ying and Yang. I am the girl next door who prefers daisies and peace rallies, but can just as easily rock at a rally. I love all things Latin and am sure that in my previous life (if that existed) I was Spanish. The dark side of me, however, tells me that I lived in Mother Russia. I am an over thinker par excellence , in constant search of answers to all things that makes us human. What we do and, more importantly, why we do it. I hope you enjoy my rambles and would love to hear from you. If you like it here, please come back, comment and share. If not, let me not waste another second of your time. All I ask is that you respect my space, be constructive and leave negativity at the door. There is enough of that in this world we live in and yes, in my head too sometimes. Not everything here will be liked or agreed with. Some of it will be downright rude, crazy and straight forward. Not everyone will like me and what goes on in my head, but this is my life and my space. Enjoy the ride

2 thoughts on “Adiós dulce amor , nunca más”

  1. You wish your friends would not share their bits of advice, but on our blog you invite us to “Say something- you know you want to!” When someone suffers to any degree, it is normal to shoot out a hand to help. It is a reflex. Often our hands are tied or we can’t reach far enough, but we try to console and help our friends to find an angle from which to approach their problems, speaking from own experience as the only source of knowledge. There is nothing as terrible as being unable to help a friend or a beloved, or be forced to keep quiet. Been there, done that. I’m bowing out with a parting shot: Never say never (speaking from experience, of course!). Just have to add that I’m so pleased that you are writing through everything. It is such a tour de force!

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