How NOT to wax at home

Us girls have so much to do.  We wax, we pluck, we color, we tease, we Brazilian (both kinds), we gel and…. the list goes on.  Can I just, again, put on record how lucky men are?  They have no idea what we have to endure in the name of beauty.  But we do it with a smile and are filled with anticipation at the idea of a pamper session.  In a way all girls are slightly masochistic, I guess

See this than as my personal contribution to any girl who have considered waxing at home; a guide if you must.

A short while ago, just before we were meant to attend a wedding, a friend told me that there is no way we are doing the wedding without some serious waxing on my part – I’m hairy by nature.  Very hairy, a true lioness.  She whipped out her bag of magic and the process started.  “It’s simple”, she said.  “You simply melt the wax in this very convenient cup that is provided with your product, apply, wait for it the dry and then … rip.  All done!”  Wow, that is really simple, I thought.  Why do I pay to get this done, I thought, and off to the shop I went to buy my own.  That was over a month ago and, for the life of me, I simply could  not find this specific product.  I’m a bit of drab when it comes to buying stuff.  If I know it works, I buy it and I won’t settle for anything else.  Imagine my excitement when the store phoned today to say that their stock have arrived!  I rushed home, finished the last-minute work my boss had given to me and set out on my first attempt at a smoother, sleeker, sexier me.

Because I love you all, here’s what not do.

  1. Do not under any circumstance touch the mug when you take it off the stove.  It is made of metal.  Metal, surprise surprise, is a very good carrier of heat.  Use a glove or oven mit or dish towel or anything – anything other than your bare hands.  It took everything I had to not throw the entire lot on the floor.  The only thing that saved it was the fact that I remembered that I paid for it.  Back on the stove it went while I scampered for the flour.  FYI – another useful tip since I’m already sharing – flour works brilliantly for any kind of burn.  Just stick your hand in the bag or cover the burnt area with flour and leave it to cool.  Once you rinse it off with cold water it will still be sensitive, but it won’t form a blister.
  2. Do not stick your finger in it after (what you imagine to be) a sufficient cooling period.  It’s not going to be cold enough and you will have to go for the flour again.
  3. Do not go for the full facial wax on your first attempt.  You have no idea what you are in for.  Baby steps sister, baby steps.  That little face of yours ain’t so little when it comes to ripping hair out of it
  4. Do not underestimate the amount of hair you have.  Just because you can’t see them, it doesn’t mean that they’re not there.  Believe me, when I tell you this.  There must be a scientific formula for this, but I’m sure it goes something like this.  The amount of hair on your face is an exponential opposite of the number of hair you can see.  Or maybe that’s just me.  When I started this, I could probably spot let’s say 30 wayward strands of hair.  Once wax is applied they breed and 30 turns into a thousand in the blink of an eye.  I’ve always known that there is no such think as the stork and that my parents did actually catch me in the mountains and chopped off my tail.  Today it was proven to me.  OMG do I have a lot of hair!!
  5. Do not underestimate the staying power of hair.  Those little f…… suckers wanna stay.  They like it there.  It is their home.  It is easier to rip the skin off than it is to get those pesky little hairs to up and leave.
  6. Not too thin, Not too thick.  Apply the layer of wax too thinly and you end of yanking of tiny pieces of wax of about 1cm by 1cm.  Apply the layer of wax too thickly and you end up with a clump of gunk on your chin that won’t even crack, let alone give you half an inch of grip to yank it off
  7. Not to fast, not too slow.  If you rip the wax of too fast, it tears.  Too slow and you are just delaying the torture.  You will know exactly where each little hair is based and it will hurt.  Every time.  Without fail.  Get your yanking speed right.
  8. Know the level of torture you are willing to inflict on yourself.  This one is very important.  If you are easily hurt, rather leave this to the professionals.  There is nothing worse than finally getting a decent piece of wax, thin enough and long enough to yank off in one go only to stop halfway because your DNA stops you from inflicting any more pain on yourself.  Again, referring you back to point 3 above.  Baby steps.
  9. Do not start the process while you are waiting for your hair dye to develop to the perfect shade.  It’s not a quick process.  30 minutes into my color developing to a luscious vibrant red, I was only about three-quarters of the way done.  At this point I was torn between rinsing my hair and finishing the wax job.  Wax won and after 45 minutes of developing, my color has turned to a sullen mulberry.  Not at all the vibrant vixen I had in mind.
  10. Get everything of your face before introducing said face to water.  Mmmmm.  I don’t really know how to describe the result without putting a PG rating on this post.  After 45 minutes of yanking and pulling and pleading with every last piece of wax to come off, and my color turning darker by the second, I gave up and headed for the shower with little pieces of wax still stuck to unrelenting pieces of hair and skin.  It turns to gunk.  Think C, no wait D-grade, porn movie.  Sorry if that’s too much for you, but that’s all I can come up with.  It melts and congeals and becomes gooey and stringy and ….. yuck!
  11. Do not forget the finishing wipes.  I, being a newbie, did not even consider that when I made my purchase.  Every pore that’s been relentlessly cleansed of whatever was covering it is now very much alive and in need of some soothing.

Having said all of that, it’s not all bad.  I have (in general) a less fuzzy look and my fingers are still constantly finding little flecks of wax sticking to a tuft here and there like there’s no tomorrow, so it’s keeping me busy.

Save to say, I won’t be trying this again soon.  Ms T, I will need a standing appointment with you every month until we’ve used up every last drop of wax.  You are way better at this than me!

Author: nanuschka

I am a free spirit born in the Free State, 20 years to late. I am Ying and Yang. I am the girl next door who prefers daisies and peace rallies, but can just as easily rock at a rally. I love all things Latin and am sure that in my previous life (if that existed) I was Spanish. The dark side of me, however, tells me that I lived in Mother Russia. I am an over thinker par excellence , in constant search of answers to all things that makes us human. What we do and, more importantly, why we do it. I hope you enjoy my rambles and would love to hear from you. If you like it here, please come back, comment and share. If not, let me not waste another second of your time. All I ask is that you respect my space, be constructive and leave negativity at the door. There is enough of that in this world we live in and yes, in my head too sometimes. Not everything here will be liked or agreed with. Some of it will be downright rude, crazy and straight forward. Not everyone will like me and what goes on in my head, but this is my life and my space. Enjoy the ride

One thought on “How NOT to wax at home”

  1. Hahaha, too funny!
    I’ll add a tip of my own…hope you don’t mind?
    Buy the water soluble wax, that way if you change your mind, or apply to the wrong spot you can wash it off instead of yanking. Also helps with those tiny bits that get left behind. And it’s micrawave wax in a plastic tub. No burn wounds yet.

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