Murky water…

Today I am a little boat floating in a dark, moonless ocean.  I am not sure where emotion ends and thoughts begin.  I don’t even know where rational stops and irrational claws its way into my being

I’ve been crying non-stop since I first opened my eyes this morning and then I get mad at myself because it’s so stupid because I am happy and loved and then I cry some more out of anger.

I can’t stop

Today was supposed to be my 20th wedding anniversary.  Even though I am happier now that I ever was in my married life, I’m sad because my fairy-tale was stolen from me and I’ll never have a second chance at that.  One day everything was fine and then, out of nowhere, it was ripped away from me and no matter how hard I tried or what I did or how much of myself I sacrificed it was taken away – my fairy-tale turned into a nightmare that’s haunting me to this day.  I’ll never have that – I’ll never have my fairy-tale.  I’ll never walk down the aisle and live happily ever after in marital bliss and get to celebrate a 10th or 20th wedding anniversary.  That’s all I’ve wanted since I was a little girl and I witnessed my grandparents live that dream.  Don’t get me wrong, I know they had their ups and downs.  That’s par for the course, but they kept going at it.  They never gave up, they never allowed anything to destroy their fairy-tale.  They had a commitment to each other, a bond that they protected.  They worked at it every single day.  I didn’t have a chance.  It was taken from me and there was nothing I could do to stop – and that, my friends, is what’s scaring the daylights out of me.

I look at new relationships form, I look at people falling in and out of love, I look at break ups happening around me, I look at the effort being put in from one side and not being reciprocated, I look at miscommunication and misread signs, I look at people cheating and being cheated on, I look at divorces happening – all of these happening in front of my eyes and the realization that there is nothing to be done to stop it is just too much for me today.

We have no guarantees, do we?

We can’t make someone love us forever.  We can’t make someone want to stay.  We can’t force a fairy-tale

This thing called love is such a fragile and unpredictable thing.  I know I am loved and happy and what we have work.  I know that, but in the back of my mind there is always the knowing that there are no guarantees and it scares me beyond reason, beyond all rationale.

They say fear has two meanings: Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise – how do you face a monster you can not see, a monster that you don’t know exist?  How do you fight a fear if you don’t know what you’re up against?  You can’t face something that you don’t know exist, can you?  That’s the thing with love.  When it’s ripped from you, it often happens unexpectedly and you didn’t even know that there was something lurking in the background.   How do I overcome that paralyzing fear that drives me beyond reason?  How do I make my heart and my mind believe that this is forever and I can relax and just enjoy it and live happily ever after without fear?  How do I make my heart and my mind understand that I don’t need to fear if there are no guarantees?

Today I am a little boat floating in a dark, moonless ocean

The Green Eyed Monster

greeneyedmonster

Tell us about the last time you were really, truly jealous of someone. Did you act on it? Did it hurt your relationship? 

What is jealousy?

jealousy

 

Jealousy is something which all of us experience at some point in our life.  Don’t deny it, everyone get’s jealous, even saints are tested.  The biggest form of jealousy I have ever felt was when I was around 7 or 8.  My parents divorced when I was only 5 and, through circumstance, my sister and I ended up living with my grandparents for a couple of years.  These were fundamental years for me and I will forever be grateful for the example they set for us.  There was just one thing that really got to me.

My cousins lived not to far from us and we attended the same school.  To me, they were a prime example of what family should be: dad working, mom at home cooking and baking, holidays away, new clothes the moment they outgrew the old ones, etc.  My sister and I received their hand-me-downs, which I was very grateful for.   I hated them for this.  I always felt somewhat inferior to them and it took me a long time to get over that.  I love my cousins to bit and their parents have always been there for me.  It was simply a matter of my own insecurities.

greeneyedmonster2

The example I’ve given above is, to me at least, an “acceptable” form of jealousy.  Once the realization is made that you are not inferior to the other person, you can learn from it and grow past that.

What is unacceptable jealousy then?  It is that green-eyed-monster that festers inside your mind and heart.  It destroys you, bit by bit.  It destroys all the good in you and sucks the life right out of your soul, leaving you nothing but an empty shell.

Unfortunately, jealously have been the downfall of countless relationships.  People get hurt, I get that, but how you choose to make that work for you, is key to all future relationships.

I live on the principle that you can either learn from it or suffer by it for the rest of your life.  If you choose to let go and move on, you can grow and become a better person.  This makes you the winner.  If you choose to hold on to the pain, it will forever rule you and you will suffer.  That makes you a loser.  Face the reality: the person who hurt you is still the winner!  He / She still determine your happiness and ultimately the outcome of your life!

greeneyedmonster1

You may meet the person of your dreams, but if you allow the monster to live, that relationship will fail.  That is a guarantee my friend.

No one can make you love them or trust them.  These emotions can not be forced upon you, ever.  You have to make the choice to feed the positive.

You have the choice whether you want to suffer or love!

What is trust?

trust

 

When Luke asked me to explain trust to him, I found the following to be most effective:

  • Trust is like an eraser, the more you abuse it, the smaller it gets; and
  • Faith and fear both requires us to believe in something we can not see.  Faith will uplift your spirit and leave you feeling better.  Fear will drag you down and suffocate you.

If you choose to believe in fear, if you choose to feed the monster, it will consume you.

No one said letting go will be easy.  That is why there are trained professionals to help you (and your partner) along the way.  Having these fears are not a weakness, but choosing not to do anything about it, now that is a weakness.  You are effectively choosing to live an inferior life and no one deserves that.

Use your common sense, have faith and love fully.

365 pages to be filled

What a year it has been!?!

I am very excited to see the end of this year and to welcome 2013. Not because this year has been all bad, not at all! 2012 held many a good moment, believe you me!

For some reason, I don’t know why, I am filled with this huge excitement about the year to come.

Constantly throughout today, I’ve found myself contemplating the year that was. The ups and downs. The roller coaster ride that was 2012.

We (Jacques and I) started out the year unemployed and homeless. Literally homeless. New Years Eve was sent camping out (illegally!), fighting each other and fighting to get paid, making up, getting some money together and pulling an all-nighter!

From there it got better and worse and better again. On the upside there was new jobs, a new home, new friends, seeing my mom again, having Luke back with me, Nathan Bjorn being added to the family, Jacques and I building a stronger foundation for our relationship and finally falling pregnant!

On the down side we had quitting jobs, losing friends, money issues, car issues, fighting over non-sense and a miscarriage! Yet, here we are, still madly in love and with big plans for the year ahead.

I also find myself thinking of others. My family and loved ones, friends and those I don’t even know. I’ve been thinking about how much I have to be grateful for and thinking of those and wits-end. For so many people this time of the year is one of despair, a time of sadness and many give up.

I can’t change the world, that much I know. However, I can try to make a difference in someone else’s life.

New Years resolutions? Well, I don’t know about that. We all seem to have these grand plans at the start of the year that never bear fruit. Through my contemplation, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will not make any grand resolutions for this year. Only 3 things will I do:

1. First and foremost: stop, breath and think before I act / re-act.

How many times do we sit back and think: I could have said that differently, I could have handled that better, I could have… Friends, remember that each second wasted is a second you will never have back. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This age old rule applies not only to physics, but to each and every situation you face daily! So many conflicts and stressful situations can be avoided if we follow this simple rule: stop, breath and think!

2. Live in gratitude and love completely.

This is something I’ve been doing for a while now and will continue to do this year: every morning and every night spend just a couple of minutes to think about everything you have to be grateful for and give thanks for it. Gratitude not only for the big things, but everything. When last did you go to bed and felt a real, humbling gratitude for your pillow, for instance? Really feel it, give in to the feeling and say thanks. I saw a billboard the other day: What if you woke up one morning and all you have is that which you gave thanks for the previous night? Really got me thinking!

Part of this gratitude is to give in to the feeling of love. Love for the things and people that you have. Love for the sunshine on your skin, love for the trees you drive past every day. Love fully and completely. No hesitation, no fear, no regret. Give in to love and see how it can transform your life. It is an integral part of the Law of Attraction, what you most focus on is what you will get back. Focus on fear and more fearful things will come to you. Focus on gratitude and more gratitude creating situations will come your way.

3. Follow my dreams.

Wow, a big one and probably the most difficult one to tackle. It’s so easy to tell someone to go for what they want. Doing it however, now that’s a completely different ballgame altogether! So often we allow things to get in the way. I don’t have the time, skills, money, resources, whatever, to make it work. Bla-bla-bla!!!! I’ve used these and many more excuses countless times. Thinking about this, I’ve come to realize that the biggest killer of our dreams are nothing but a tiny four-letter word: FEAR!!!

We allow fear to intrude on our dreams, steal our passion, suck the life out of what makes us happy.

Fear of failure
Fear of loss
Fear of rejection
Fear of ridicule
Fear of being different
Fear of going against the norm
Fear of ……
Fear of ……
Fear of ……

I’ve spent countless hours reading motivational, inspirational and self-help blogs. I think I probably have the longest newsletter subscription list in history! This year I will focus on just 5 of them and actually follow through on what I learn from them.

I’m not saying that I will reach all my dreams and goals in this year, but I sure am going to put in some real effort and say bye-bye fear. You are no longer my Master!

Well guys and gals, have a good one! Whatever you may be doing this year, do it to the full, to the best of your ability!

Today starts a new book with 365 blank pages, pages just waiting for you to write on.

Oh yeah, while you are writing your story, don’t allow anyone else to hold the pen! (PS not my wise words, but one of the many good quotes I saw this year)

May 2013 be a blessed one for one and all, filled with love, joy, peace and God’s grace!